There's a lot of ways to deal with anxiety and depression, but not all of them work for everyone. If it's mild enough, I can do the whole 'inhale, exhale' thing, but it doesn't always work. Like, let's take today for instance.
I woke up in a fairly good mood, regardless of waking up so early and dreading babysitting for most of my morning, but all in all, I was in a good mood... keyword: "WAS". As the day progressed, my mind became my worst enemy, and my oldest foe decided to surface and show itself once again, a.k.a. My Depression. I've been struggling with it since I was young, but have always been so good at hiding it and faking that smile and acting like everything was a-okay! But then there are times that I cannot hide it, and I confide in some people, only those who will understand. Very few people understand it... and it's so hard to explain it to them. The best way I can describe depression is the way I described it this morning, when I had shared a picture on my personal Facebook profile. I said the following, and attached this picture to it: "For those who just don't get it. Depression IS a monster. It may not start off that way, but it feeds off of all your insecurities and takes your sadness and twists it, making you feel helpless and weak. Depression is all-consuming and soul-breaking... and it can and will destroy you. To those who tell others who suffer with depression that it's "all in their head" or that they can change the way they feel, shame on you... in doing that... you are only feeding the Monster more..."
And it's true. Depression is a monster, and it WILL consume you if you let it. Unfortunately, sometimes we're just not strong enough and it wins. Like for me... today. I'm stressed about money as I recently lost pay for one of my writing jobs (I'm making $600 less per month now... money that helped pay my rent. Fun fact: I'm still working this job WITHOUT pay in hopes that I can rebuild it and bring traffic back to the website... which in turn led me into doing triple the work I was...), I'm about to start a new job (which gives me hella anxiety as I'll be just a staff writer and I'm used to being an editing manager), I'm dieting, and not seeing results like I think I should, on top of all that, I babysit a TON of kids on top of my two to help make ends meet. I am stressed, and I brought it onto myself... but I do what I have to to pay my bills and keep my family's head above water.
Bottom line...
Depression is an all-consuming monster, and even though everybody is hard on themselves from time to time, those with depression DESTROY themselves. It's a hard life to cope with, and for years I've kept this to myself, suffering in silence - well no more. If anything, I hope this blog helps others to know they aren't alone, even when they feel they are. There are others who suffer silently, afraid to tell people what's REALLY on their minds. And if your depression is so bad, that you feel like ending your life is the answer... please don't. Just know that suicide hurts those around you that love you, and in the end, you're punishing them.
There's always bad before the good... just remember that <3
Till next time~
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